Wow! You came to this page. Our lawyers made us include it and made us use a precious link on our home page to get you here. At first, we thought the lawyers were a real pain. But then we read the page. What a net-wakening! It’s important stuff. We took the legalese the lawyers wrote and translated it into readable English. So be an intelligent nethead and read the information on this page. It could prevent you from hearing from our lawyers, or worse yet, from really nasty people, like prosecutors.
Here’s the deal:
We run this website so that people like you (and people you like) can use it for personal entertainment, information, commerce, education, communication, and cyber-gratification. So go ahead and browse around all you want. You can even download stuff from the website but only for non-commercial, personal use. If you do, though, don’t fool around with the copyright and other notices all over the stuff. They’re there for a good reason. And don’t even think about distributing, modifying, transmitting, reusing, re-posting, or anything else uncool with any of the stuff, including the text, images, audio, and video, for public or commercial purposes unless we give you written permission.
If you visit our website, you’re also legally obligated to [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions listed below and any other law or regulation that applies to the website, the Internet, the World Wide Web, or your city. You shouldn’t access or browse the website if you have any problem with that because once you start, there’s no turning back — you are bound by [read: stuck with] the terms and conditions.
So here’s the scoop on our Top Ten Rules for Cyber surfers who hang out on our Site:
1. For everyone’s sake, assume that everything on the website is copyrighted unless we say it’s not. So you can’t use the stuff except how we say you can on this page or anywhere else on the Site without our written permission. And like we said before, it’s not likely we’ll permit you anyway. Even if we wanted to, our lawyers are likely to veto any deal anyway.
2. Sometimes, mistakes with written communication happen. We do our best to ensure the accuracy of the information provided but do not guarantee its accuracy. We assume no liability or responsibility for errors or omissions on the website.
3. We and anybody else who helped us create, produce, or deliver the website are not liable for any damages you suffer when you use it. In particular, the lawyers want you to know that our disclaimer includes “direct, incidental, consequential, indirect, or punitive damages arising out of your access to, or use of, the website. Without limiting the preceding, everything on the website is provided to you ‘AS IS’ WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR NON INFRINGEMENT.
Please note that some jurisdictions may not allow the exclusion of implied warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to you. Check your local laws for any restrictions or limitations regarding the exclusion of implied warranties. ” Ugh! What a mouthful from the mouthpieces. We put all of that in quotes because we couldn’t figure out any other way to say it that the lawyers would accept. But here’s the bottom line — we’re not responsible if you’re browsing around and the website damages you or your computer or infects it with any nasty viruses. We sure hope that doesn’t happen, but if it does, don’t call us.
4. If you don’t want the world to know something, don’t post it on the website or elsewhere. That’s because anything you disclose to us is ours. That’s right — ours. So we can do anything we want with the stuff you post. We can reproduce it, disclose it, transmit it, publish it, broadcast it, and post it elsewhere. We can even send it to your mother (as soon as we find her address). Not only that, we may even use any ideas, concepts, know-how, or techniques you post any way we want to, including developing, manufacturing and marketing products or other stuff using the information you post.
5. Pictures of people or places shown on the Site are either our property or someone else’s property we’re using with their permission. No matter what, it’s not your property. You or any of your net friends can’t use it unless we said you could on this page or somewhere else on the website. And guess what — we won’t say yes. So be careful, Bunky, because unauthorized use may violate all sorts of nasty laws. Be smart. Keep the stuff you download to yourself.
6. There are many trademarks, logos, and service marks on the website that we own or use with someone else’s permission. You do not have any license or right to use them because you don’t, and we’re not about to give you one.
7. You’ll probably notice we’ve linked our website to lots of others. While that’s cool, it doesn’t mean we’ve looked at all those sites, much less checked them out periodically to see what’s going on. So don’t blame us if some website you link to is wrong or has stuff on it that offends you or your pets. Go ahead and link, but remember, you’re doing it at your risk.
8. That brings us to what you do on our website. While we occasionally review 3rd party content contributions. We take no responsibility and assume no liability for the content of those locations or for any mistakes, defamation, libel, slander, omissions, falsehoods, obscenity, pornography, or profanity you might encounter when you visit such places on our website.
Please don’t be stupid by posting or transmitting any unlawful, threatening, libellous, defamatory, obscene, scandalous, inflammatory, pornographic, nasty, mean, or profane material. Law enforcement types may consider it a criminal offence. While we certainly respect your privacy, we have no choice but to fully cooperate with any law enforcement authorities or court which might ask us who might have posted nasty stuff on our Site.
9. International laws protected the software that we use on this website.
10. We’re also permitted to update this page and anything else on the website at any time.
11. If either of us wants to make something of it and wants to “sue” (a dirty word) then we have to follow these rules of engagement (sort of according to the Geneva Convention). “The parties hereto agree that this entire Agreement shall be governed by the laws of England and Wales and is subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the High Court in London, without regard to principles of conflict of laws”.
To the extent you have in any manner violated or threatened to violate intellectual property rights belonging to SIGNORINA ® and/or its affiliates, we reserve all rights to seek injunctive or other appropriate relief in the United Kingdom under the laws of England and Wales, and you consent to exclusive jurisdiction and venue in such courts.
Any other disputes may be resolved as follows:
If a dispute arises under this Agreement, we agree first to try to resolve it with the help of a mutually agreed-upon mediator in the following location: City of London, England, United Kingdom. Any costs and fees other than attorney fees associated with the mediation will be shared equally by each of us.
If a mutually satisfactory solution through mediation is not possible, we then agree to submit the dispute to binding arbitration at the following location: City of London, England, United Kingdom, under the rules of the regulated "The London Court of International Arbitration". Judgment upon the award rendered by the arbitration may be entered in any court with jurisdiction to do so.
If this all sounds mean and undiplomatic, you should have seen what the lawyers gave to us in the first place. Thanks for taking the time to read to the end.